5 Years

This week, as I've been reflecting on this week 5 years ago, I continue (just like every other year) to be amazed at how every one of the emotions I felt that week come back full force.  I can go about the rest of my year, sad at some points....definitely missing out on raising a little boy, but mostly just fine. 

Then this week hits and I start doing the play by play of it all. 

The days fall correctly this year (they always will on Leap Year) and it starts Sunday.  The day I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to help my body deal with being pregnant.  I was tired.  I was sore.  I wanted to have a baby sooner rather than later.  I knew I was only 34 weeks, but I was so ready.  I just wanted to be done.  I felt calm.  I felt I would have him sooner than later.  I had courage to make it through the rest of the pregnancy. 

Who knew 4 days later I would be eating those words.  Praying to just keep being pregnant.  Praying for everything to be okay again. 

I spent yesterday, Wednesday, remembering the last time I for sure remember him moving, just before lunch.  I was standing in Top Foods buying many boxes of cereal (back in the day when I did couponing...in fact it was the very last day I did couponing...) and Ian kicked me super hard.  Like made me wince hard.  I am now grateful for that kick.  Grateful I remember it so clearly. 

I am sure he moved more throughout that day, but he was getting bigger and I was going all day...so I'm assuming he slept most of the day.  I remember making myself do Zumba on the Wii.....didn't want to gain any extra weight...must stay fit.

I remembered last night around 9:00 that 5 years ago, I had climbed in bed...exhausted.  I think I was asleep within 5 minutes of laying down.  But I did have the thought "Wow, he isn't going crazy like he normally does when I lay down", but then I was out. 

What if I wouldn't have worked out.  What if my workout is what hurt him.  What if I would have paid attention to the fact that he didn't move when I went to bed.  Could I have saved him? 

I like to think that Heavenly Father knew that I needed to sleep that night.  I believe Ian had already passed, maybe earlier in the evening on Wednesday, and me being up all night stressing about it wouldn't help the situation. 

But then this morning comes.  All I can think about is the fact that I kept teaching even though I knew something was wrong.  Why didn't I walk away?  Why didn't I go to the doctor earlier? 

I know in my head that it wouldn't have helped.  He was gone already.  But the "what if's" are so hard to deal with. 

By this time, 2:40, 5 years ago I was watching the clock tick waiting for the preschool parents to pick up their kids so I could figure out what in the heck I was going to do. 

There are quite a few other times that will be hard in the next week or so.  Maybe I should get rid of the clocks....

Luckily, I know I'll make it through.  I always do. 

As I was preparing myself for this week, last week, I was thinking about how at times it seems as though it really didn't even happen.  You know how you are pregnant and miserable, but you get this cute kid out of it and that is what the pregnancy becomes...the cute kid, so you forget the miserable part and you go and get yourself pregnant again?

I was thinking how Ian's pregnancy feels like it just disappeared.  I don't have that cute kid to remind me that I was at one point pregnant.  Like it didn't even happen.  That made me sad. 

Almost as quickly as I had that thought I noticed something that a friend had given me last year on Ian's Day. 

This is a bracelet, but I actually hang it on my rearview mirror, reminding me every time I'm in the car, of Ian. 

 Next I thought of my necklace...again, reminding me every day of Ian. 

 and then I decided to look for other things:
A journal given to me by a friend/visiting teacher soon after he died:

 A few vases from the many many many bouquets of flowers we have been given.  3 dried roses from his casket.

 A gorgeous quilt:

 Cute signs:

 Ribbons tied in random places throughout my house so I can think of him (the ribbons were originally tied to our trees on the 1 year anniversary of Ian's Day):

 Even in my travel bag:

 All my babies in one frame:

 Still growing...had this for 4 years:

 An angel holding my angel:

 This set was given to us right after Ian died, Ian being the baby.  Once Camryn was born, Konrad bought me the little boy holding the "hope" balloon and the baby became Cam. 

A bag of things to take to the cemetery.  When we first were visiting Ian's grave the girls wanted to bring him something everytime and I was never prepared.  After mentioning this to a friend she gave me this bag full of things we could take to him.  Saved me so many times. 

 More cute signs and a picture with a shadow in it for Ian:

 Part of the blanket he was buried in (made by Great Grandma Crabtree), and his memory stuff from the hospital. 

 And these two things that make my heart happy and give me hope....

I may not have my little boy, but I do have amazing people in my life that have made it possible for me to remember him everyday.  Which also means that they have remembered him as well. 

He has taught me a lot about who I am, what I can do, and what my priorities need to be.  I'll always wish things were different and that Cam's best friend was her brother, but I will be grateful for what I do have and not take it for granted.

*hopefully I found all the items I have been given...but in reality there are probably more that will sneak up on me in the next few days*

February Photo Dump

All crazy and out of order, but here they are:

Cam and I were invited to the zoo by the Kelli and her boys, afterwards we went to a nearby beach to throw rocks in the water.

I realized we could throw rocks at home too :)

  We joined the YMCA in Sumner back in January.  It is pretty awesome.  We use it at least once a day (normally).  This picture was taken during Sam's swim lessons...not really lessons, just swim practice.  :)  It gets crazy in there during swimming lessons and water aerobics!

 Sam got braces.  Before:

 After:

 Cam loves going to "Aaron's office" and playing in the castle:

 I think this was supposed to be a scary face...maybe a mean one.  Not sure :)

 Allison was able to participate in an all district choir concert.  It was really cool to hear all the kids...4th-12th grade sing.  She is in the second to last row, 3rd one in from the left. 

 While Sam and I were gone Konrad took the girls, and Rylee, to Snoqualmie Falls. 

 Pretty girls!

 Konrad and I went on a weekend trip to the San Diego area.  Loved it.  Loved 2 weekends in a row in California.  If only I could go every weekend!

 We stayed at the Wilks Resort up in the mountains.  So beautiful and about 10 degrees warmer than by the ocean. 

 But we saw the sunset both nights from a beach!

 Valentine's Day Breakfast:

 Ice skating with the Miamaids:

 Who needs Disneyland?  We have Walmart!

 A walk to a nearby park to swing:

 Trying some new yogurt for a friends sample group:

 Valentines Day Box

 Happy 39th Birthday Konrad:
Blurry, but I love that smile :)

 Love this smile too...I don't capture his real smile very often, but when I do it makes me smile.  Kimber got him some short swim shorts.  Not super short, but above his knew.  He obviously liked them :)

 They even fit Allison:

 Allison has a friend Lauralynn and her family invited us up to their cabin to go sledding and play in the snow.  It was a really fun afternoon!

 Cam's first trip to the zoo:

 Konrad's birthday dinner, without Konrad.  He was on a business trip. 

 Another beautiful rainbow!

 Love the reflection in this one!

 We played hungry hungry hippos for mutual one night.  Pretty awesome!

Allison was not happy that the older girls had a day off school and she did not....

 Allison's wink-y smiley face made of syrup at McDonalds.  Gotta love all day breakfast!