Can I just say how glad I am that a new year has started? A new year means a new start, right?
I don't think I've ever looked back at a year and said "that was the worst year of my life" - not until 2011 hit. I've heard people talk about bad years, but never really understood how an entire year could be bad. Now I do.
All though even that is a lie. The first two months were okay...I was miserable (gal bladder killing me, annoying contractions, trying to do too much when I should have been lazy which equaled a sore and tired lady, etc), but life was good. We were excited for April to come and a little nervous about the thought of starting at the beginning of raising a child again.
Then March hit. And boy did it HIT.
I have never had to deal with anything so hard in my life. Something so crushing. Something that literally made me feel like I couldn't go on. Something that would rock both my mental, physical, and spiritual worlds. All 3 had been functioning pretty well up to that point (at least I think they had) and then BAM....I couldn't eat, couldn't exercise, and couldn't sleep (luckily that stuff didn't last long). I couldn't think, well not about anything besides the fact that Ian had died, I couldn't remember anything. I couldn't be trusted to do anything I said I'd do. Things I had believed in since I was a child, didn't make sense anymore. Did I really have a testimony of Jesus Christ and the atonement?
The rest of the year, for me, was spent figuring out how to be me, without being the old me. It took me 4 or 5 months to accept the fact that I would NEVER be "me" again. I could never go back to the Ashlee I was from birth to March 2nd, 2011. That is a hard thing to come to terms with. Not that I thought I was all that awesome before, but I was definitely happy and content with who I was. Yes there was room for improvement, but I could have lived the rest of my life as the old me.
The "new" me, was someone that I struggled to like. Someone I couldn't rely on, someone I could never know what to expect from.
Luckily throw in a few more months, and all though I never made it back to the old me, I got much closer and am feeling better about myself and the direction I am going. I am physically better, spiritually better, and the mental part is getting better.
My heart was crushed this year. My dreams were shattered (even when they were dreams that at first I considered nightmares!).
BUT
My heart is healing. New dreams are starting. I am learning to figure out how to move on and not get stuck in 2011.
As I'll always say...I will NEVER say I am grateful for this trial (drives me CRAZY when people use that phrase!)...but I am glad to know that I crawled out of the darkest corner of my life and learned, even if it took the rest of the year and more months/years to come, that even though hard things are really hard and out of my comfort zone, I CAN DO THEM.
On a happier note, we did do some great things in 2011 and we wouldn't want them to get forgotten in the sad times:
In April we went to Disneyland.
In June, Konrad and I went white water rafting.
In July, we went to Utah for 2 family reunions.
In August, Samantha was baptized.
In September, Allison finally started Kindergarten! (Sam 3rd, and Kimber 5th)
In May and July we went to the cabin.
In August we attended our Ward camp out (our only camping trip of the year)
In July we went to Black Butte Oregon
In August, Konrad and I went to Wenatchee (don't knock it until you try it :))
In April got to go to my sister Michelle's house in Oregon (which was good b/c they moved to Texas in July)
In April got to stay with Doug and Britt for a few nights in Sacramento.
Went to many musicals at the 5th avenue.
Did 3 healthy living challenges with my great friend Jenni...an amazing girl who kept me motivated and hopefully helped me develop good habits that I can enforce on myself without having to do it because I HAVE to, but because I want to b/c it feels better and I like myself better when I do those things.
Learned that 4 most important things in my life are my husband and my girls. Without them, I am nothing. They are what kept me going this year and gave me the motivation to move on (rather than curl up in a ball and stay that way forever!)
I, for one, am ready for this new year. Bring it on 2012!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Christmas Fun!
We decorated sugar cookies...
Kimber participated in her friends church choir, again this year. This year it program was called "Dude, You Hear What I Hear?". Rather than auditioning for a singing part her and her friend auditioned for speaking parts and were both cast as mannequins. The story is about a little girl that gets trapped in a store, during the night, and has to teach the mannequins the real meaning of Christmas. Kimber played "Cookie", from the baking department. She had lots of lines that made us all laugh. It was a really fun show!
All 4 mannequins (Cookie for housewares, Moon Dog from sports, Biff from Hardware, and Princess... (somebody) from costume)
The spectators:
during the show:
For Christmas we took my mom to see Cinderella at the 5th Avenue Theater. My dad tagged along as well (he claimed he did not want it for Christmas though, so we got him a different present :)). It was a really good show and one that I wished I had taken the girls to see. My mom loves the Roger and Hammerstein version of Cinderella, so I grew up watching a very old VHS version of it. It was fun hearing all the songs and knowing the words!
Christmas Eve, during the day, we headed over to my parents to hang out with them and the Dances. Kimber was the photographer and captured a few pictures of people.
Kimber participated in her friends church choir, again this year. This year it program was called "Dude, You Hear What I Hear?". Rather than auditioning for a singing part her and her friend auditioned for speaking parts and were both cast as mannequins. The story is about a little girl that gets trapped in a store, during the night, and has to teach the mannequins the real meaning of Christmas. Kimber played "Cookie", from the baking department. She had lots of lines that made us all laugh. It was a really fun show!All 4 mannequins (Cookie for housewares, Moon Dog from sports, Biff from Hardware, and Princess... (somebody) from costume)
The spectators:
during the show:
For Christmas we took my mom to see Cinderella at the 5th Avenue Theater. My dad tagged along as well (he claimed he did not want it for Christmas though, so we got him a different present :)). It was a really good show and one that I wished I had taken the girls to see. My mom loves the Roger and Hammerstein version of Cinderella, so I grew up watching a very old VHS version of it. It was fun hearing all the songs and knowing the words!
Christmas Eve, during the day, we headed over to my parents to hang out with them and the Dances. Kimber was the photographer and captured a few pictures of people.Sam and Jack playing:
Jordan:
Steph making cookies:
Coleman:
A picture of his whole outfit:
We were spending the "real" part of Christmas Eve at the Crabtrees so we headed over there around 3:00. We had to make sure we got there while the sun was still shining so the girls could....
The girls convinced Grandpa to build a zip line in his back yard and they LOVE it. I really wanted to try it but was too worried I'd bring the whole swing set crashing down, so I didn't. We are hoping to do some zip-lining in Costa Rica so its important to get some training in :)
They also jumped a bit...check out that blue blue sky! Love it!
Just wanted to get a picture of Grandpas decorations on the amazing swing set he's built:
The girls and gma and gpa:
New jammies and we're ready for Christmas:
Christmas morning, waiting IMpatiently at the top of the stairs:
Let the opening begin....
Sam wanted a picture with Woody:
Here are some of things the girls got (in case they are wondering when they get older and have forgotten, or next week when they forget...)
Yeah for Konrad and Grandpa Crabtree for putting it up today! They just started jumping 2 minutes ago and I can tell they LOVE it.
Jordan:
Steph making cookies:
Coleman:
A picture of his whole outfit:
We were spending the "real" part of Christmas Eve at the Crabtrees so we headed over there around 3:00. We had to make sure we got there while the sun was still shining so the girls could....Do a little zip-lining!
The girls convinced Grandpa to build a zip line in his back yard and they LOVE it. I really wanted to try it but was too worried I'd bring the whole swing set crashing down, so I didn't. We are hoping to do some zip-lining in Costa Rica so its important to get some training in :)
They also jumped a bit...check out that blue blue sky! Love it!
Just wanted to get a picture of Grandpas decorations on the amazing swing set he's built:
The girls and gma and gpa:
New jammies and we're ready for Christmas:
Christmas morning, waiting IMpatiently at the top of the stairs:
Let the opening begin....
Sam wanted a picture with Woody:
Here are some of things the girls got (in case they are wondering when they get older and have forgotten, or next week when they forget...)Kimber
3 monster High dolls
oil pastels and paper
many earrings and necklaces
4 or 5 books (she's read most of them already)
Lego Harry Potter DS game
2 Webkinz
TONS of socks to support her mis-matching goal
Samantha
Toys Story toys galore (Squinkies, action figures, large stuffed Woody)
a Robot that walks, dances, and shoots discs
Robot decorations for her wall
Littlest Pet Shop set
Allison
Baby Alive (she eats and goes the bathroom...yeah for changing diapers! if anyone has any left over preemie size diapers they want to get rid of, we'll take them!)
Barbies
Barbie swimming pool
Littlest Pet Shop jet
clothes
earrings
and the biggest present of all for all three....
Yeah for Konrad and Grandpa Crabtree for putting it up today! They just started jumping 2 minutes ago and I can tell they LOVE it. We also got Just Dance 1, Just Dance 3, and Zumba 2 for the Wii...I think we'll be doing some dancing at our house...come by and join us if you want! You can jump or dance, whichever you prefer!
We had an awesome Christmas...hope you did too!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
My Family Story...according to Riley
Riley didn't have time to "read" me her story she wrote, but the pictures were pretty self explanatory. If she has anything to add, on Friday when she reads it to me, I'll update this post.
First it was just Miss Ashlee and Konrad (we won't tell her he spells it with a K - all though she does know that b/c K is the letter of the week and we added him to the list of people we know who's name starts with K...we'll forgive her for forgetting for a minute :))
Then baby Kimberlynn was born:
A few years later, Samantha enters the family:
Pretty soon Allison is here too (Kimber or Sam must be at a playdate):
And of course Riley wouldn't forget Ian...she still randomly asks about him:
LOVE IT!!!
First it was just Miss Ashlee and Konrad (we won't tell her he spells it with a K - all though she does know that b/c K is the letter of the week and we added him to the list of people we know who's name starts with K...we'll forgive her for forgetting for a minute :))
Then baby Kimberlynn was born:
A few years later, Samantha enters the family:
Pretty soon Allison is here too (Kimber or Sam must be at a playdate):
And of course Riley wouldn't forget Ian...she still randomly asks about him:
LOVE IT!!!Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wow...someone decided to grow up this year....
I was looking through pictures from this year, trying to find some for our Christmas card. I came across these ones from our trip to Disneyland and had to do a double take AND then I checked the date on the picture (which was silly b/c we've only been to Disneyland once!). I was blown away by how young Kimber looked...just 8 months ago....
I know I posted this picture recently but it shows the difference between April and November!
How did that happen?
I know I posted this picture recently but it shows the difference between April and November!
How did that happen?
Sunday, December 4, 2011
the 4th
I am a number person.
I remember dates and I base my life around them. You might ask me what I'm doing next Thursday and I'd say, nothing. But if you said what are you doing on the 8th, I would say...taking Kimber to the orthodontist, going to a RS meeting, cheering b/c volleyball practice was canceled, etc. Its all tied to the number.
Every month on the 19th, I count down how many more months until my birthday.
the 3rd and 4th of every month has become a new number for me. Every month for the past 9 months I have relived the craziest/worst/shocking/numbing 2 days of my life. My life was literally turned upside down on March 3rd. And stomped on, on March 4th.
At the beginning (back in April, May, June, etc) I would literally watch the clock and could tell you exactly what I had been doing back in March, hour by hour. I had every single moment of those days ingrained in my brain.
This morning, I realized that I passed the 3rd, without having those horrible flash backs. Without the nagging "what ifs" that I always ask myself. I had a busy day yesterday, which I would like to think over shadowed the memories, but in reality I know in the past I've been beyond busy on the 3rd and 4th and still relived every moment. I was just busy, with tears.
I'm hoping that this is another step in the healing process.
Today also hasn't been horrible....still sad at times. I think about what he would be like if he was here. It's tricky b/c had he really been born on March 4th, he would have been 9 months today, but in reality, if all would have went well, he would have stayed in until April and would only be 8 months. Do I base his age on the day he died? Really, it doesn't matter, it's only a month! The stupid things my mind worries/wonders about.
I had hopes of going to the cemetery today, but Konrad is gone and I decided I wasn't brave enough to be tough enough to go with just the girls. I didn't want to hold it together if I didn't want to, but when you are the only adult in attendance you hold it together for the children's sake.
Last week, when getting out the Christmas decorations I came across the extra stockings that I've had for years (since right after Alli was born, when I bought us all new matching ones, I grabbed a couple extra "just in case" :)). It was a blow to my heart again. I hadn't felt that overwhelming-change-my-mood-for-the-rest-of-the-day-sadness in awhile.
Then the question arose in my mind...do we put up a stocking for Ian? Its so tough b/c I really believe he is part of my family and will be for eternity. BUT he never lived on earth. Would I be that crazy lady who hung a stocking for someone that didn't live in her house? Plus the girls, nor Konrad, ever brought up the question ... no one else was wondering if Ian should have a stocking. Did that mean I was crazy?
I emailed a good friend and asked if her son, who had also passed away, had a stocking. I needed advice from someone who had walked the same path as me...especially before asking anyone who hadn't, b/c I've found that people who haven't been in the situation, often have a very different view than someone who has.
My friend and I exchanged a few emails and had both come to conclusion that it would be weird to not have a stocking for our boys. And if everyone else thinks I'm weird, than so be it.
The question becomes, what to do with his stocking. Fill it with acts of love? But, we already fill a manger with hay b/c of acts of love. Fill it with toys to donate to someone else? Just leave it there?
It's all new territory and as I've mentioned in the past, I AM NOT A FAN OF CHANGE. I am not a fan of things being thrown in my face and throwing off my world. And then to have things going in the right direction, but just seeing simple Christmas stockings, rock my world again.
I also so the longing in Allison's eyes the other night at our Ward Christmas party. This little girl was so looking forward to being a big sister. Her heart was broken as well when Ian died, and is still hurting a little. I went and stole a friends 3 week old baby at the Christmas party, and brought him over to Alli just so she could see him. First she looked at me to see if I was crying (my girls always check my eyes anytime anything is mentioned about a baby, death, or pregnancy), then the questions started. Was this how big Ian was? What color was Ian's hair? Was it the same as Luke's? Can I hold him? Can I hold him? Can I hold him? You could see her looking at this brand new baby and imagining what it would be like if we had our own. Broke. My. Heart.
Also found out two other women lost their babies this week. One at 20 weeks, one at 38 weeks. I'm hoping I can help their family/friends help them.
Life is crazy hard sometimes. All I can do is put my chin up and do the best I can. That's all we can all do, right?
A month from today, it will be the 4th again. Then again, and again, and again. Each one will get easier and each one will remind me of the sweet spirit waiting for me in Heaven. I better "cowboy up" (we just watched 8 Seconds last weekend...) and live my life the right way...no regrets!
I remember dates and I base my life around them. You might ask me what I'm doing next Thursday and I'd say, nothing. But if you said what are you doing on the 8th, I would say...taking Kimber to the orthodontist, going to a RS meeting, cheering b/c volleyball practice was canceled, etc. Its all tied to the number.
Every month on the 19th, I count down how many more months until my birthday.
the 3rd and 4th of every month has become a new number for me. Every month for the past 9 months I have relived the craziest/worst/shocking/numbing 2 days of my life. My life was literally turned upside down on March 3rd. And stomped on, on March 4th.
At the beginning (back in April, May, June, etc) I would literally watch the clock and could tell you exactly what I had been doing back in March, hour by hour. I had every single moment of those days ingrained in my brain.
This morning, I realized that I passed the 3rd, without having those horrible flash backs. Without the nagging "what ifs" that I always ask myself. I had a busy day yesterday, which I would like to think over shadowed the memories, but in reality I know in the past I've been beyond busy on the 3rd and 4th and still relived every moment. I was just busy, with tears.
I'm hoping that this is another step in the healing process.
Today also hasn't been horrible....still sad at times. I think about what he would be like if he was here. It's tricky b/c had he really been born on March 4th, he would have been 9 months today, but in reality, if all would have went well, he would have stayed in until April and would only be 8 months. Do I base his age on the day he died? Really, it doesn't matter, it's only a month! The stupid things my mind worries/wonders about.
I had hopes of going to the cemetery today, but Konrad is gone and I decided I wasn't brave enough to be tough enough to go with just the girls. I didn't want to hold it together if I didn't want to, but when you are the only adult in attendance you hold it together for the children's sake.
Last week, when getting out the Christmas decorations I came across the extra stockings that I've had for years (since right after Alli was born, when I bought us all new matching ones, I grabbed a couple extra "just in case" :)). It was a blow to my heart again. I hadn't felt that overwhelming-change-my-mood-for-the-rest-of-the-day-sadness in awhile.
Then the question arose in my mind...do we put up a stocking for Ian? Its so tough b/c I really believe he is part of my family and will be for eternity. BUT he never lived on earth. Would I be that crazy lady who hung a stocking for someone that didn't live in her house? Plus the girls, nor Konrad, ever brought up the question ... no one else was wondering if Ian should have a stocking. Did that mean I was crazy?
I emailed a good friend and asked if her son, who had also passed away, had a stocking. I needed advice from someone who had walked the same path as me...especially before asking anyone who hadn't, b/c I've found that people who haven't been in the situation, often have a very different view than someone who has.
My friend and I exchanged a few emails and had both come to conclusion that it would be weird to not have a stocking for our boys. And if everyone else thinks I'm weird, than so be it.
The question becomes, what to do with his stocking. Fill it with acts of love? But, we already fill a manger with hay b/c of acts of love. Fill it with toys to donate to someone else? Just leave it there?
It's all new territory and as I've mentioned in the past, I AM NOT A FAN OF CHANGE. I am not a fan of things being thrown in my face and throwing off my world. And then to have things going in the right direction, but just seeing simple Christmas stockings, rock my world again.
I also so the longing in Allison's eyes the other night at our Ward Christmas party. This little girl was so looking forward to being a big sister. Her heart was broken as well when Ian died, and is still hurting a little. I went and stole a friends 3 week old baby at the Christmas party, and brought him over to Alli just so she could see him. First she looked at me to see if I was crying (my girls always check my eyes anytime anything is mentioned about a baby, death, or pregnancy), then the questions started. Was this how big Ian was? What color was Ian's hair? Was it the same as Luke's? Can I hold him? Can I hold him? Can I hold him? You could see her looking at this brand new baby and imagining what it would be like if we had our own. Broke. My. Heart.
Also found out two other women lost their babies this week. One at 20 weeks, one at 38 weeks. I'm hoping I can help their family/friends help them.
Life is crazy hard sometimes. All I can do is put my chin up and do the best I can. That's all we can all do, right?
A month from today, it will be the 4th again. Then again, and again, and again. Each one will get easier and each one will remind me of the sweet spirit waiting for me in Heaven. I better "cowboy up" (we just watched 8 Seconds last weekend...) and live my life the right way...no regrets!
i HEART december!
The fun has begun!
Friday night was our Ward Christmas Party...we got to see Santa, eat some yummy lasagna, and visit with friends.
Sam has officially conquered her fear of the big guy. She didn't even hesitate this year! (sorry the pictures aren't all that great...my camera was on the wrong mode!) Sam asked for a robot.
Allison, I think, was a bit nervous. She said she didn't know what she wanted but said yes when Santa suggested a doll. (which is what she put in her letter to Santa, she must have just forgotten :))
Kimber asked for a phone.
Steph's 3 older kids spent the night that night, so they got to come see Santa as well. Jordan was super excited to sit on his lap and literally JUMPED his way to him and HOPPED on his lap. He asked for a pillow pet.
Jackson asked for a pillow pet as well.
Kenzie simply said "no" when asked if she would like to sit on Santa's lap. No crying, no tears. Just a simple no. She was even willing to go get a coloring book from his hand. Pretty brave if you ask me.
Friday night was our Ward Christmas Party...we got to see Santa, eat some yummy lasagna, and visit with friends.
Sam has officially conquered her fear of the big guy. She didn't even hesitate this year! (sorry the pictures aren't all that great...my camera was on the wrong mode!) Sam asked for a robot.
Allison, I think, was a bit nervous. She said she didn't know what she wanted but said yes when Santa suggested a doll. (which is what she put in her letter to Santa, she must have just forgotten :))
Kimber asked for a phone.
Steph's 3 older kids spent the night that night, so they got to come see Santa as well. Jordan was super excited to sit on his lap and literally JUMPED his way to him and HOPPED on his lap. He asked for a pillow pet.
Jackson asked for a pillow pet as well.
Kenzie simply said "no" when asked if she would like to sit on Santa's lap. No crying, no tears. Just a simple no. She was even willing to go get a coloring book from his hand. Pretty brave if you ask me. Kimber did a little photo shoot with Kenzie in front of the tree.
Kimber rallied the troops and played ring around the rosie for quite awhile...she is going to be a great babysitter starting in a year (or earlier if you don't mind she is only 11 :))
The next night was my ornament party. I had a great time and I hope everyone else did as well. This year was a year for "stealing" I think we had more ornaments "frozen" this year than all the other years put together. I had 3 measly prizes for the most coveted ornament, but didn't even attempt to give them out b/c I would have needed 10 more! I learned that I don't need to make sweets next year...only savory stuff. I ended up with WAY too much sugary stuff left over. So either that means the recipes weren't so hot or people are just tired of sugar! I also learned that the girls loved my Hogi Yogi Peppermint Egg Nog smoothies...yum!!!! Thanks to everyone for coming (even my mom and sister came this year!!!) and for those who didn't, I hope you come next year!
Today we took a sick day from church. Sam wasn't feeling so great yesterday (but is just fine as I'm blogging - of course she is fine so it's making me even sadder that we are missing a little get together with friends as we speak!) but we decided to just take it easy. The girls wanted to have a "tea party" for lunch which really means...put lots of "finger foods" out in lots of little bowls and let us put our own food on a plate and drink milk out of our tea cups. I think our table was a bit large for their little tea party...oh well :)
Sam has been wanting a hair cut and I was planning on having Katie cut it, b/c she rocks, but since I really want to know how to cut hair, I really like practicing on my girls. I always figure, I'll get my practice and if I fail horribly than Katie can work her magic and fix it. It's not the best (in fact I want to walk around with scissors and cut all the little random hairs I see when she moves - but walking with scissors in dangerous, so I won't), but not too bad, especially for going above her shoulders a little bit. Katie may beg to differ, but I'm not too ashamed of it :) (all though now that I look at this picture it appears that the right side is longer... :))
Because she just got a haircut I wanted to take a new picture of her to print out for my mom (Mom, I promise I'll really print them tomorrow!)...she got a little silly:
Kimber rallied the troops and played ring around the rosie for quite awhile...she is going to be a great babysitter starting in a year (or earlier if you don't mind she is only 11 :))
The next night was my ornament party. I had a great time and I hope everyone else did as well. This year was a year for "stealing" I think we had more ornaments "frozen" this year than all the other years put together. I had 3 measly prizes for the most coveted ornament, but didn't even attempt to give them out b/c I would have needed 10 more! I learned that I don't need to make sweets next year...only savory stuff. I ended up with WAY too much sugary stuff left over. So either that means the recipes weren't so hot or people are just tired of sugar! I also learned that the girls loved my Hogi Yogi Peppermint Egg Nog smoothies...yum!!!! Thanks to everyone for coming (even my mom and sister came this year!!!) and for those who didn't, I hope you come next year!
Today we took a sick day from church. Sam wasn't feeling so great yesterday (but is just fine as I'm blogging - of course she is fine so it's making me even sadder that we are missing a little get together with friends as we speak!) but we decided to just take it easy. The girls wanted to have a "tea party" for lunch which really means...put lots of "finger foods" out in lots of little bowls and let us put our own food on a plate and drink milk out of our tea cups. I think our table was a bit large for their little tea party...oh well :)
Sam has been wanting a hair cut and I was planning on having Katie cut it, b/c she rocks, but since I really want to know how to cut hair, I really like practicing on my girls. I always figure, I'll get my practice and if I fail horribly than Katie can work her magic and fix it. It's not the best (in fact I want to walk around with scissors and cut all the little random hairs I see when she moves - but walking with scissors in dangerous, so I won't), but not too bad, especially for going above her shoulders a little bit. Katie may beg to differ, but I'm not too ashamed of it :) (all though now that I look at this picture it appears that the right side is longer... :))
Because she just got a haircut I wanted to take a new picture of her to print out for my mom (Mom, I promise I'll really print them tomorrow!)...she got a little silly:all though I actually really like this one, b/c it's close the her natural smile...this might be the one I'll print - she has a hard time making her smile look like her normal beautiful natural one that makes me smile everytime I see it.
Then of course Alli wanted her picture taken:
Kimber wanted to be goofy:
Then of course Alli wanted her picture taken:
Kimber wanted to be goofy:
I hope the rest of December is just has fun as the the first 4 days! I thinking it will seeing as though I've got 3 parties on the calendar for this weekend alone! Whoo-hoo for hanging out with friends!
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