Things....

I love these people: Luckily I have them with me every single day - they make it all a bit easier. I have never been a big cuddler, not a huge touchy-feely person - but things have changed now. I am happier with the girls on my lap and Konrad by my side at all times. I think it somewhat helps fill the void I feel not having Ian to hold.

I'm trying to think of what we've been up to the past few weeks - other than the obvious. We might want to remember a few happier things from the month of March (which I realized was my least favorite month of the year before this happened - now I have even stronger feelings about this month!!!).

We had a fun St. Patrick's day (the picture above is from that day). Full of green, sneaky leprechauns, and yummy treats. The girls built a leprechaun house on the 16th, luckily right next to the front door, so this year when the leprechauns snuck in our house their green sparkles didn't get all over the house. Last year was a mess! I'm sad I didn't take a picture of their house (not to be confused with a trap - they were not trying to trap them, b/c then they might not have come)- it was complete with stairs and ladders so they could climb to the top and take the chocolate coin they left for them. The leprechauns even left a bag of green candy and a green puzzle.

The girls got to spend a night at Grandma and Grandpa Crabtree's. They went and saw Tangled, when mini-golfing, and bowling. Too much fun for 1 1/2 days if you ask me :)

They also stayed a night at Grandma and Grandpa Riding's .... 3 spoiled girls if you ask me!

I guess that means Konrad and I are pretty spoiled as well. We had two fun date nights - one with just us that included dinner and a movie, the other with some great friends that included dinner, frozen yogurt, and games.

Speaking of frozen yogurt - have all you locals tried out the new frozen yogurt place, u-top-it? It is amazingly yummy. I've already been twice, and it just opened on Tuesday. My wonderful visiting teachers took me one night and then I had to drag Konrad and the Leder's there the next night. We planned to go yesterday as well (the girls want to go), but it didn't work out. We'll have to try sometime this week - maybe for FHE tomorrow :)

Kimber had her first trip to the orthodontist - she is getting spacers and a bionator (sorry Dr. Aaron - not sure how to spell that or if I even got the name right!!!). She thinks they are pretty cool. Remember when you used to WANT braces - I remember wanting them and then getting them. Wanting and Getting are two different things. Not as cool as I remember thinking they'd be. But when it is something new and "exciting" you want it, right? Braces were right up there with a broken arm and glasses for me. Haven't done the broken arm thing, but am stuck with the glasses - yeah, not so fun.

We've got a pretty fun week coming up. The girls are going to a Tangled Party on Tuesday night. Konrad and I are going to the musical Vanities on Wednesday night. Thursday we start our Disneyland trip.

Yep that's right - we are heading to California to spend a week at Disneyland. I really, really, really didn't want to spend spring break at home, thinking about the fact that my plans for having a baby on April 1st didn't go as planned. Konrad is wonderful enough to grant that wish for me. So we will be driving to Portland on Thursday night to see my sis and her family for a night a few hours in the morning. Then we'll head to Sacramento to see Konrad's brother and his family for two nights. On Sunday we'll drive down to Anaheim and spend the rest of the week there. We haven't taken the girls to Disneyland yet, so they are a bit excited. They are saving their money and counting down the days until we get there. It will be a fun trip and hopefully help me to make it through that hard week.

Many people have been wondering how I am doing. It is still a moment by moment thing. I've had some great talks with friends and family - which always helps. I had two "good" days in a row - which I was very excited about - but the day after was horrible. I'm sure it will come and go like that for awhile. I had my follow up appointment with my doctor. That was difficult - walking in that office without Ian to show off (which is what you do at the follow-up appointment) and realizing that I should have been there that day for a "lets-see-how-dilated-you-are-and-hopefully-I-can-convince-you-to-induce-me-next-Friday-appointment" was hard. Konrad came with me though and held my hand through the whole thing. The staff, were amazing, once again. Not making me sit in the waiting room for more than a minute and letting us walk through the back door to leave....all though I really don't like the back door exits - hopefully we never have to use the back door again!

Basically I am still struggling - I never know how I will be from one minute to the next - but I am surviving. Luckily I have enough on my plate that I have to keep functioning - b/c for the first time in my adult life I could see myself stopping and just doing nothing all the time.

Here's to a fun week...hopefully full of many more smiles than tears (but I won't hold my breath!)!

Beautiful Things

Our house has been filled with beautiful flowers and presents these last 3 weeks: We got two matching bouquets (from different people)....(oh and thanks again Shell for hanging that picture of the temple - it still makes me happy every single day....it only took us 4 1/2 years to get it on the wall!)

The mantle was full at one point - unfortunately I didn't take a picture before some of the flowers died.

Something I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE and will cherish ALWAYS! I just wish I had Ian in my arms like the figurine does.

"My" Primary children signed this wonderful book - which happens to be the words to one of my favorite Primary songs. They had done this before Ian's death, but it was pretty ironic considering the strong feeling I had to share this song with all our family and friends at the funeral. The pictures are beautiful - some of my all time favorites. So the pictures, the words, and the signatures of "my" cute Primary kids equals one priceless gift!

Last but not least, our son Ian. Many of you haven't seen his picture yet...we think he's pretty cute. I can't believe how much he looks like Konrad. He is holding our wedding rings in his hand, so that gives you an idea of how tiny his hands were. Konrad's ring takes up his entire palm. This picture, and the others we have, are something that I absolutely cherish. They are hard to look at b/c they remind me of what I don't have, but also give me a bit of peace. He looks so peaceful and at least I have a picture to remember him by. I will never have to worry about forgetting what he looked like.

Thank you to everyone who helped fill our home with something beautiful!

Rough Night at the Crabtree's

The night started sadly - we had received the pictures of Ian in the mail and watched the slide show the photographer made. Obviously sad and the tears are flowing.

Samantha starts crying about 10 minutes after I finally calm down enough to almost be asleep. Her ear is KILLING her and she is pretty sure she will die (she was insisting on going to the doctor at that very moment - poor kid!). Crying continues until 3:00 in the morning (not constant - but pretty consistent).

Allison comes in at 3:30 or 4:00 and says she wet her bed. "What?" I say. She wears pull-ups! Somehow it leaked. I pull off her sheets, only to find that I still hadn't replaced the mattress cover, so not only was the bedding wet, the mattress is wet. So I take her into Sam's old room, which was going to be Ian's room, and have her sleep on the crib mattress.

Seeing all Ian's stuff makes me remember the pictures. Cue the crying.

It was a rough night!

A Big Fat Thank You

Yesterday in Relief Society - I felt like a big elephant in a tiny room.

The lesson was on service.

I have never experienced the love a Ward has for me (and my family), until this past week.

Carol S. asked the women to list different ways that you can serve or be served. They said:

make someone dinner
smile
hug someone
listen to a friend
make a treat
yard work
give someone a ride
send a letter
write a note to someone
call someone you felt prompted to call
clean someones house

As everyone is listed this things I am realizing that every single one of these acts of service had been done to me in the past 11 days. Every Single One. (giving someone flowers counts as yard work right??)

How do I ever say thank you? How do I thank the handfuls and handfuls of people who stepped in and helped my family as we dealt with the crushing news that we had lost our little boy?

I sat there during the entire lesson, just waiting for the right opportunity to say thank you. Thank you to all those wonderful women for showing me how much they cared about us.

I never felt the "right" time. Plus I knew that I would be a complete mess if I even attempted to talk.

So I'm saying it here on my blog

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could come to each of your houses and thank you individually. Maybe eventually I can do that. But then I'd have to go to Texas, Oklahoma, Florida, California, Utah etc. Because people from there helped us as well.

I want you to know that the things you did to reach out to us last week are the only things that got me through it. Your comments on my blog posts and facebook, the cards in the mail, the emails. Those things reminded me that even though this awful thing happened, Heavenly Father had put people out there who love us. People who were willing to take a minute or two of their time and send a quick note - that would buoy me up until the next note came.

People who would take time (and money) and bring us a meal.

People who would fill our house with flowers.

The best friends ever that would make me the most beautiful quilt to remind me of my "angel baby".

The best friends ever that showed up to clean my house - even my linen closet, girls rooms, etc.

Multiple friends offering a ride to our monthly RS meeting.

The stuffed animals, toys, and treats that were given to my daughters to distract them.

Friends who showed up, with few hours notice, to hang out with me while Konrad was gone one evening. They dropped everything, got babysitters even, and just sat with me so I wouldn't have to be alone.

Friends who have called to check on me.

My wonderful family (who are also my friends) who came and hung out at my house for 3 days straight to keep us company and take care of anything that needed done.

The list could go on and on and on. As I said before, I wish I could thank each of you individually - but until that can happen - just know that I will forever be grateful for the love you have all shown to me and my family.

Good, Bad, Numb, Bitter

Those are the 4 words that can be used to describe the types of days I've been having the past week.

Good Days
*can think/talk about Ian without too much crying. If I do cry it turns off relatively quickly
*keep busy enough that I don't have much time to think (to be honest this hasn't happened often - tomorrow should be a good day for that though with 2 sessions of preschool)
*I can laugh about something and not feel guilty
*I can be grateful for what I do have

Bad Days
*this is the day that I just want to stay in bed and cry forever. I've only had one or two of these, which I'm glad. Because they are no fun. These are the days the tears will not turn off and I can't "pretend" to be okay. I know I don't need to pretend that I'm okay, obviously I have a right to not be okay, but some days I can pull it off. I can talk to people about normal things, do normal things, etc. But on a bad day - none of that happens. There is only sadness in my heart and nothing makes it go away.

Numb days
*Numb days would be the type of day I've had the most of. Days that just go by. I didn't do anything. Felt empty. Just blah. Sitting on the couch watching endless episodes of The Office, Cake Boss, games shows, and reality TV. Cry on and off. Sleep on and off.

Bitter Moments (I realized that, luckily, these are just moments in my day - not my whole day)
*These are the moments that I am just mad at the world. Why did this happen to us? Why do we have to deal with this? Why, oh, why can't I have my baby?

I'm hoping that as time goes on the good days will out number the bad days and the bitter moments and numb days will mostly disappear.

The Second Hardest Day of My Life

Yesterday we buried our son.

While it was an amazing day full of family and friends and all the love that comes with them, it was also full of tears (even from the sky) and sadness.

The weather pretty much summed up how we have been feeling the past week (I can't believe it's only been a week...it seems like it's been a year). The skies literally opened and dumped as much rain as possible on us. We were given the option of holding the service in a little chapel on the cemetery grounds, but we were unsure of how many people would come and didn't think we would all fit in the chapel. Sorry to all of our friends and family who had to stand in the torrential down pour.

Besides being worried about fitting in the chapel, we also knew the service would be short, and breaking it up into two parts (service in chapel and grave dedication at the grave) would be seem odd. So we chose the rain. There was one point that Bishop Leder had to ask everyone to step back from the canopy so that they could empty the water that had been collecting in it, they were afraid it would collapse. At another point my mom stepped back from the edge of the canopy just as a huge waterfall came over the side. Her shoes filled with water. The other tricky part of the rain was that it was so loud, it was hard to hear. Everyone had to yell.

Besides all that it was still a sweet service.

On the way to the cemetery I decided to change the opening song. I had originally chose "If the Savior Stood Beside Me", which is one of my favorite Primary songs. As we were picking up Samantha from school (she didn't want to stay home that day - she has been the one that wants life to be as normal as possible - so we picked her up on the way to the funeral) I was listening to "I Know That My Savior Loves Me", and knew that we needed to sing that song instead. At this point it is after 12:00 and no words have been printed. I called my mom to see if she was still at home, but they had already left. I decided we'd just stick with the original choice and it would be fine. After 5 more minutes though I knew I needed to sing the other song. Luckily my sister, Stephanie, was still home and was willing to print out the words for all of us to have.

The reason I felt I needed to sing that song is that I needed to announce to everyone that I do know that my Savior LOVES me. Yes, this horrible thing happened, but I know that Jesus Christ loves me. I know that He has felt every feeling I have felt in this past week, for me. I know that I can get through this b/c of Him. His love will give my family the strength we need to get through this. It also gives me the assurance that I will live with my little guy...I will get to know him....I will get to hold him, hug him, and love him. Just not for a long time, unfortunately.

My sister Michelle gave the opening prayer - which was a hard thing, and of which I am grateful for. She knew it would be hard to say a prayer at a funeral, but was still willing to.

My father-in-law then gave the perfect talk. We wish we could have heard more (meaning that he would have spoken longer), but with the rain and noise, it was shorter than he had planned. It was still what we, and others, needed to hear. Thanks Dad!

My dad dedicated the grave. I still can't believe one of my children has a grave....it's really not supposed to work that way, right? When Konrad asked my dad to dedicate the grave my dad said "Why isn't your dad doing it?" Konrad said there are two "assignments" one to dedicate the grave and one to speak. My dad willingly accepted the dedication part :) He did a beautiful job. Thanks Dad!

We finished the service singing Families Can Be Together Forever, which we truly do believe. We know we will live with Ian again, just not in our earthly life.

When we first found out that Ian had passed away, one of my first thoughts was "luckily we aren't separated from him forever". After awhile, I started wondering if I only thought that because that is what other people always said. Was I basing that off other peoples testimonies or did I actually have a testimony of that. Did I truly believe that Ian just returned to live with his Heavenly Father earlier than we liked and that eventually we would all be a family? It seemed to easy to say "thank goodness for the plan of salvation," "at least Ian is in a better place," "Heavenly Father needed him for something much more important," etc, but is that truly what I believed?

I want to let all of you in the blog world know, that I do know, without a doubt, that this is all part of Heavenly Father's plan. I do know that I will eventually get to meet my son. I know that he will be watching over us from Heaven and I pray that he will watch over his sisters and protect them. Be one extra angel, helping them make correct choices and keeping them safe.

Heavenly Father loves me. I know that He is sad that I am so sad. One of my favorite quotes says something to the effect of "I didn't say it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it". We will learn something from this. We will be stronger because of this. Yes, I feel weak and I don't know if I will be able to handle it, but I am just so grateful for the gospel. I am thankful to know that Ian didn't just die. He isn't in that grave. His spirit returned to live with our Heavenly Father and Heavenly Father will watch over him and protect him until Konrad and I get there to take over.

I have been absolutely amazed at the love that has been shown to us in this past week. Our family and friends are amazing. The amount of people that came to the service yesterday - even in the horrible rain storm. The number of people that came to our house afterwards to help lift us up and show that they care. I was amazed. Truly amazed. Typically when you go to a funeral you know the person you are mourning. None of us got to meet Ian, yet all of us felt a huge sadness at his passing.

Ian has touched our lives in so many ways. Even without being here on earth. I know it is going to take a long time for the sadness in my heart to go away - in fact I'm sure it will never really go away. I do know that it can get easier though.

Ian wasn't a planned thing. We didn't think we would have any more children. It honestly took us a long time to accept the fact that we were going to be going back into the "baby world". Now it will take a long time for us to accept the fact that we didn't get to go back to the "baby world". Something that seemed like it would be so life changing and hard would be the only thing I could ask for at this moment. I'd give anything to have my little boy here with us. Waking us up at night, crying at all hours of the day even. Unfortunately we didn't get that opportunity with Ian. We are really sad about that.

Thank you again to everyone who supported us yesterday. We couldn't have done it without you. You helped turn the second hardest day of my life into something I could manage. Knowing that I have handfuls and handfuls of people willing to help me in any way means so much to me. Thank you for your cards, your flowers, your hugs, your food, and most of all your love.

Our friend Cortney took some pictures of the service yesterday. I will post the pictures once she passes them on to me. Thanks again for doing that Cortney!

Graveside Service for Ian

We were originally planning on holding the Graveside Service for Ian with immediate family only. We wanted it to be simple and brief: while we hurt deeply for his loss and already feel his absence in our lives, the unfortunate reality is that we know very little about him.

We have felt so much love and support from so many of you - whether family or friends - and have realized that the number of attendees will not change the simplicity of the service. We would like to invite any who desire to join us for the graveside service on Wednesday, March 9 at 1pm. We'd also love to see you at an open house at our place following the service - at about 2pm or so.

Graveside Service: Wednesday, March 9 at 1pm
Auburn Mountain View Cemetery
2020 Mountain View Drive
Auburn, WA 98001-3867
(253) 931-3028
Directions: Head west on Main St. in Auburn up the hill, you'll see the cemetery on the right.

Open House: Following the Graveside Service, at about 2pm
Crabtree's House
Please email or post a comment if you need the address

Ian Wyatt Crabtree

I don't know where to start.

Our little baby boy was delivered on March 4th, unfortunately his Heavenly Father had already called him back to Him, and we did not get to spend anytime, here on earth, with Ian. We know he is still part of our family and I know we will think of him often, wishing he was here with us.

I realized on Thursday, March 3rd, that I had not felt him move in quite a long time. Which was not normal for him. He constantly kicked and made his presence known. I really started getting worried in the afternoon, and as soon as preschool was over I laid down, hoping he would wake up and do his thing. After 5 minutes, I was worried. After 40 minutes I was panicking.

I was in charge of part of Activity Days that afternoon, so after making alternate arrangements for that, I headed to Dr. Bigler's office to see what was going on. They whisked me back to a room, assuring me that he was just taking a big nap and that most likely everything would be okay. I really thought, that as soon as I got to the doctor's office he would start doing jumping jacks and be like "ha - tricked you mom", but he didn't. Dr. Bigler checked for his heartbeat and I knew right away something was wrong. At every appointment, except the first one, the doctor could locate his heart beat in one try. He was searching everywhere. At one point I heard a heart beat - but my hopes were dashed when Dr. Bigler said "that's yours". We then moved to the ultrasound room and my biggest fear was confirmed. There wasn't a heart beat - my little guy had died.

It didn't seem real. It didn't seem possible. They left me in the room to call Konrad, who had already left for the doctors office, so I'm assuming he knew deep down something was wrong. He was there with in 5 minutes. I also called my mom and let her know as well. Konrad came in, both of us in tears, and they took us back to another room (walked us through break rooms and normally not seen areas of the doctors office so we didn't have to face any one) and talked to us about options. He inserted something in me to start my cervix softening and told us to go to the hospital that night around 9:00. They would give me a pill that would slowly start the process and they wanted me to spend the night there.

Once we got home we had to tell the girls. Not fun. We all laid on our bed and cried and the girls asked questions (what will we do with the extra room, will Steph's baby die (b/c unfortunately my sister Michelle lost her baby last fall, now me, they are worried it will continue to happen), how will the baby come out, is your tummy still big even though he died, etc). We fed the girls dinner and then Konrad took them to Steph's house to spend the night. Konrad and I hung out at home as long as we could - not wanting to face the truth. So long in fact that all my dear, dear, dear friends showed up before we could even leave to clean my house so it would be spotless when I came home. I will forever be grateful for that. I continue to find surprises - a clean linen closet even!

We didn't get to the hospital until close to 10:00. The hospital staff was amazing - they took such great care of us, and not once was there any confusion as to why we were there. No congratulations were said, no one coming to check on the baby, etc. They did place us in a far corner, far away from most everyone. They placed a butterfly picture on our door, which we believe is the symbol for a tragedy on the maternity floor. Be considerate if you ever see one of those when you are at Auburn hospital.

Konrad's parents came by and visited for a bit that night, concluding the evening by Konrad and his dad giving me a blessing. I was given a sleeping pill, and luckily was able to sleep for about 5 hours before waking up and remembering why I was there.

I took a quick shower before they started the PIT drip and then the hardest time of my life started. There is no feeling in the world like giving birth and there is no feeling in the world like giving birth to a baby you know you can't take home with you. Luckily for me, the labor was pretty quick (Pit drip at 6:15 - he was delivered at 10:45). I tried to last as long as possible without an epidural, just b/c in the past those have slowed down my labor and I wanted this over as soon as possible. I finally got the epidural around 9:00 - thinking that I hadn't waited long enough, but when I was checked afterwards, I was at an 8. I was glad to know I wasn't too big of a weeny. The doctor came in around 10:00 and the pushing process started. It was the craziest 30+ minutes of my life. There were only 6 of us in there. The doctor, 3 nurses, Konrad and I. There was also absolute silence, except when they told me to push. Many tears were shed in that 30 minutes - the nurses were amazing - Heavenly Father helped me have the strength to do it, which the nurses kept reminding me - "God is here with you - He will help you - you CAN do this" They were my little angels pushing me and helping me find the motivation to do this.

After he was delivered he was taken right to the nursery, per my wishes. I do not handle death well - and I didn't know, even at the point, if I could handle seeing him.

Konrad went and saw him a couple hours later and eventually I did see him. It was extremely difficult for me, but I am grateful that I did. He looked like Alli - a combo of both Konrad and I. He was 4.5 lbs, so pretty tiny, but really didn't appear to be that small - not like I thought he would. The hospital has a photographer that comes to take pictures of babies that don't survive, so we will eventually have pictures, but to be honest I don't know that I can display them. Maybe it will get easier for me. Konrad held him for quite awhile.

After that we just waited for my bleeding to be under control and were discharged. I was so desperate to get out of there to get home, and just be by ourselves. We actually left the hospital without even signing the discharge papers b/c the nurse was taking so long. We didn't know we were leaving without signing, but the poor nurse came running out of the hospital, papers in hand for us to sign. We were home by 6:00 that night.

I thought being home would be easier. But I was wrong. At the hospital at least we were out of "normal" life. Home is normal life, but it wasn't normal. I didn't realize how much Ian had entered our home, even though he technically hadn't yet. I knew his room would be hard, I knew the car seat sitting in the garage would be hard, etc. I didn't realize seeing family photos (which I knew we would have to take down and replace with new ones, that included Ian, but that could now stay up forever), turning on the Wii to watch Netflix and seeing my Zumba workout video (which is the only exercise I'd been doing lately b/c of being pregnant), so many little things like that....all reminded me of the baby that was supposed to be with me when I came home from the hospital.

The next step will be a small, close family only, graveside service sometime next week. Konrad's parents went with him today to make those arrangements, I am extremely grateful to not have to be involved it that part. It still doesn't seem real...I am not looking forward to that day.

Physically I am doing pretty well. I am not reliant on pain meds - just take them every once and awhile if it gets really bad. I'm not ready to do any crazy running or anything, but I definitely can't complain at how quickly my body is recovering. It's the emotional part that is the trickiest.

Needless to say, it's been hard. There are many rough patches, and I know there will be for days, months, years even.

I am so grateful for the friends and family that have stepped in to help us out. We have more food in this house then I've ever seen. More flowers, cards, and treats then ever. My house was spotless. The emails have been great. I can feel your prayers as well. Sorry, I keep avoiding the phone. It seems to hard to answer it, hopefully that will change. But know that we are so grateful for everything.

Coupon Deal

If you need cereal - Honey Nut Cheerios, Trix, or Lucky Charms - head to Top Foods. Make sure to go to coupons.com and print off $1/3 General Mills, .55 off Lucky Charms, and a .55 off Honey Nut Cheerios coupons before you go (you can print each coupon twice). I'm sure there are some on smartsource.com as well (I didn't check though). I have one more $1/3 coupon if anyone wants it.

I got 30 items today (20 cereal, 6 go-gurts, and 4 crescent rolls) for $17.

You have to buy in multiples of 5. At the Kent Top Foods they fixed the computer so I could buy it all at once, other stores you might have to buy 5 at a time (meaning doing multiple transactions).

Also, I then headed to Safeway and bought 6 eggo waffles, 4 Quaker Oat Square cereal, and 1 bunch of asparagus for a little over $9. For the eggo deal you need 2 $2/3 coupons from the Safeway Frozen food coupon book (found in frozen food section) and the in-ad coupon from this weeks ad for $5/$15 frozen food. Each box will be $1. I then had 4 $1/1 coupons for the cereal - making each box 49 cents!

Did I really need to buy 24 more boxes of cereal? No not really, but we are seriously set now for the rest of the year. If you find yourself craving some Lucky Charms in a month or so - bring me 75 cents and I'll give you a box :)