March 9th

Okay, this will hopefully be my last "sad" post for awhile. I debated even writing it all out, but decided I wanted to remember it, so I would.

Last Friday, was the 1 year anniversary of Ian's funeral. Again, it brought back all of those same emotions that I had felt the year before. The un-real-ness of it. Sometimes I still can't believe it really happened. As well as the complete and udder shock and sadness an event like that would bring to your heart.

The day didn't start off too well. I was pretty sad already, which is always a little disheartening. I hate waking up sad...those days tend to be the worst.

While I was in the closet choosing something to wear I was crying. Konrad walked in and asked what was the matter. To be honest, at that exact point I was mad at him. I was so frustrated to once again be so sad and not have one person in my house know why I was sad. It's lonely, let me tell you. BUT as I've always said - I wouldn't wish this kind of sadness on anyone and I wish at times that I couldn't remember all the details so it wouldn't affect me. This is yet another example of how different the grieving process is for the mom of the stillborn baby vs. the dad. It is just so completely different.

Konrad obviously felt sad for not remembering and apologized.

I had preschool that morning and at times barely made it through without crying (which is weird b/c even right after it all happened I rarely almost cried during preschool).

After preschool I had plans to go to the cemetery and then go to the temple with some friends who were going through for the first time.

I had never been to the cemetery by myself before. While it was nice to be there by myself and be able to show the emotion that I often want to show, but don't b/c of other people around, it was also devastating. As I pulled into the cemetery I was already past just normal sad. I was upset. I noticed a tent set up and realized they were probably preparing for a funeral. Then I noticed that they had the same little table that Ian's coffin had sat on set up. Made me assume it was there for the same reason. Tragic.

Many people say that they find peace visiting their loved ones in a cemetery. I can't say it is the same for me. While I feel Heavenly Father's love in my heart, I also feel devastated that my baby's body is under that headstone. I just can't get past it. I feel the same when visiting the graves of Grandparents. I don't like that thought. I like to remember good memories of those who have pasted on and the funeral day/coffin/fake green grass covering the hole, is not what I like to think about.

As I was cleaning off Ian's grave marker I suddenly remembered the balloons that had ended up in the trees. I hadn't noticed if they were still or not. I had secretly been hoping for an entire week that they would be gone when I came back the next time. I slowly, literally slowly, turned around fearing they would still be there. They were. It was just one more reminder of something else that just didn't go as planned. One more disappointment. The balloons had all deflated and it was just a tangle of strings and dead balloons hanging up there.

By this time it was raining pretty hard (not as hard as it did at the funeral) and I decided I was only going to get worse, not better, so I should leave.

I was grateful to be going to the temple, but was really sad that Konrad wasn't going to be there, I was really needing some support at the time. Luckily for me, some of my best friends were there and did an amazing job of comforting me. Even crying with me over the fact that the balloons were still in the tree. As well as offering words of comfort regarding another sadness I was dealing with that day (not meant for this post...if ever a post). While it was a very emotional session for me, it was one of the best sessions I had attended in a long time. Many prayers of mine were answered and I was able to feel a bit of peace. I was also able to see how much my friends care about me and how I am doing. It was amazingly wonderful and miserable at the same time. Odd, I know.

The rest of that day I spent being lazy and doing no brainer stuff...TV, Words with Friends, anything to distract me.

The next morning, I went to a Zumba class and on the way home got a text from a number I didn't recognize that said "Balloons are down :)". I can't tell you the joy I felt in my heart. 1. I didn't have to face those balloons one more time and 2. Someone cared enough about me to spend their morning (in the pouring rain) somehow getting those balloons out of that tree.

Eventually I figured out who it was and how he did it. Katie, one of my amazingly supportive friends, was feeling the same sadness over the balloons as me and convinced her husband, JT, that those balloons needed to come out. JT at first thought it was funny that we were both upset (I laughed at myself many times through out that week trying to figure out why it bothered me so much, they were just balloons) but then he realized that she was serious and said he would figure out a way. He was willing to do something so randomly odd, that probably didn't make a ton of sense in his mind, b/c he knew it would make me feel so much better.

JT works nights. So after being up all night. He did some research to find out what cemetery Ian was buried at. Then he had to find the spot in the cemetery (ironically I'm assuming the balloons showed him the way...). I'm assuming his original thought was to climb the tree. But he soon realized the tree wasn't strong enough to hold a person. Just balloons. He then went and talked to an older man in the office and explained to him that those balloons had to come out of that tree. They explained that they were not planning on doing anything with them. I guess rescuing balloons doesn't fall under Cemetery maintenance. Who knew?? So JT told them he was going to get those balloons out and they said go for it. He then drove back to Kent to his fathers house where the two of them McGyver-ed a tool long enough to reach the strings. They both drove back to the cemetery and got the balloons down.

I am still completely blown away by the fact that someone would do that for me. Spend an hour or two of their morning (when they should be sleeping) in the rain, just to get down some balloons that made me sad.

That is service. That is friendship! Once again I am shocked at the kindness so many people have shown us. My only hope is that I can be that kind when needed.

Ian's Day

Last week the dreaded week arrived. The week where I knew I would relive every moment of the same week the year before.

Monday I remembered how, the year before, I sat at dance, waiting for the girls, exhausted and tired. So grateful for the nice couches to sit on. The last "pregnant Monday" at dance. This year I was sad I wasn't chasing a little boy around for 2 hours.

Tuesday I remembered him moving at bedtime.

Wednesday I remembered buying cereal at Top Foods - lots of cereal - and feeling so hugely pregnant. I also remembered doing Zumba on the Wii and only making it through a few minutes b/c I was so tired. I remember crawling in bed and realizing he didn't kick me like normal. I remembered falling asleep in like 3 minutes - so I didn't really even have time to process the fact that he probably wasn't moving for real.

Then started the What If's. What if I had realized Wednesday night, could we have saved him? What if I hadn't taught two classes of preschool even though I was pretty sure something was really wrong? What if I hadn't waited 45 minutes after preschool (laying down to see if he would "wake up" and start moving? What if, what if, what if.

I hadn't thought about the What If's in a long time. Those are not fun questions. I really dislike them. They don't help b/c there isn't anything you can do. Nothing can be changed. We'll never know the answers to the What If's.

Thursday was hard. It all happened last year on a Thursday. Not the delivery, but the finding out. It was all very similar this year. Preschool and Activity Day's. Last year I was in a panic b/c I had to teach preschool. I had to go to Activity Days. The only reason I skipped activity days is b/c my baby shower was that night and there was no way I could go through with that when something might be wrong. I would have been too stressed and scared. Sometimes I need to realize what is most important. I was so afraid to let people down that I almost didn't go to the doctor. I kept telling myself, all day, that there is no way he would have really died. That wouldn't/couldn't happen to us. When deep down I knew something was very wrong. By the time the doctor and nurses were trying to reassure me that he was fine just taking a big nap (as I walked into the office in tears) - I knew he wasn't fine. I knew my active baby was no longer moving or even supporting his own body weight (think of carrying a sleeping child).

This past Thursday I made it to Activity Day's though. I wasn't the most chatty and didn't have as much fun as normal, but I made it through. I was in a funk for most of the day - feeling worse than I had in months. Konrad and I went and saw Oklahoma that night - I cried during a lot of it.

Friday was up and down. Watching the clock. Reliving the delivery. When I held him (and why didn't I hold him more???). When we left the hospital. When dinner was brought over from a Ward Activity we were missing. When the girls got home. When I realized how much my life changed and would never be the same.

Saturday, again, was rough. Emotions were right on the surface and many tears were cried. We had a family cry-fest that night. All the girls went to bed at 9:00. They were all downstairs crying with-in 15 minutes. We all sat there and cried for an hour. It was sad. So. So. Sad. All three girls were upset. It is horrible to not have the answers or the solutions to a problem your children are having. All we could do is cry and talk it out. The girls seem to wish more than anything that they could have held him and seen him. It was interested to see how differently they acted (bitter, broken hearted, and calm) - I just wish I could take all their pain away.

Saturday and Sunday I felt sad but also very loved. My family and friends are amazing!

Our house filled with flowers and balloons once again. We were given items to be left at Ian's grave (for those random times we visit him and don't have something planned to bring him). Cards and notes. Wind chimes, music, and figurines. Amazing gifts that touched my heart.
Sunday morning we woke up to this:

Konrad and I both cried at what we saw:

We made cupcakes for Ian's Day:

And we headed to the cemetery with my family (Konrad's parents were out of town)

Right away we lost a balloon - Grandpa Riding tried to save it:

We wrote notes to Ian and tied them to balloons:

Coleman wasn't feeling too well - poor little guy!

Because it was so windy the balloons were all twisted up and we couldn't undo them. Rather than having us each hold one and release it, we had to do it as a group:

We realized as soon as we let go that we were in trouble. The group of balloons were pretty heavy, making them not rise very quickly, AND the wind was blowing...not a good combination.

at least not when you are too close to the trees:

This tree is now known as Ian's tree - since all of his balloons are in it. I wanted to cry. It seems so silly, but I was really struggling with the fact that we didn't get to watch them float into the sky. Allison's comment broke my heart "How are they supposed to get to Heaven if they are stuck in the tree?" Grandpa tried to save them, but it didn't work. It still makes me sad.

Ian finally has pinwheels - 5 of them to be exact :)

We wish all of our family could have been with us! Miss you guys!!!!! We went back home for dinner and cupcakes.

Not how you plan to spend a 1 year olds birthday, huh? I made the mistake of walking around Party City while waiting for the balloons to be blown up. Seems like the thing to do while waiting, right? Until you get to the 1st Birthday section - then reality hits. I am buying balloons to release into the sky for my baby...not buying 1st Birthday decorations.

It has been a very long year, emotionally, but the actual year seemed to pass by very quickly. I am happy to say that I feel better than I thought I would. My mind and heart are in a better place than I thought they would be at this point. A year ago, I honestly didn't think I'd survive a year feeling the way I did. It was a nightmare.

My heart is still broken in places. I still wish, more than anything, that things could be different. BUT I do know that wounds heal and that we can do hard things, even when we hate doing them. I also know that through hope and faith I can find peace. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. He loves my family. He has put so many people in my life to help me get through this situation. He did that because He loves me and He cares for me. He wants me to be happy and through the Atonement I know that I can be happy. Jesus Christ felt every single emotion that I have felt since March 3, 2011...because He felt those emotions, I know that if I turn to Him and ask for help, I can recover. Today I listened to a great talk, Sunday Will Come, by Elder Wirthlin, a leader in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. If you have lost someone you love, you should read it. Even better would be to listen to it so you can hear the love and truth that comes from Elder Wirthlin. His words are very comforting and give the hope of things to come! I truly believe Hope is the answer - if we have Hope we can make it through the tough times!