Catch - Up

So I finally updated our blog - it felt like it had been awhile.

We're taking a "playing with friends" day today and taking a break from our normal running around to wildwaves/movies/park.

Hence the time to blog.

In the past two weeks we've:

• watched Steph's kids while she had baby Coleman - who is tiny by the way - for a couple nights


• had fun at a ward BBQ (well, I was a mess, but everyone else had a great time


• zumba'd


• threw a going away party for some friends that moved last week :(


• held a movie in the park night - it was so much fun. Smores, friends, snacks, and a movie


• had one last girls night with Jana and realized that cleaning with friends is so much more fun and takes way less time - if Jenni doesn't start the cleaning club I will....


• movie and Red Robin with 2 great friends


• Wild Waves 3 times


• one dollar movie


• a couple bike rides


• lots of walks


• painted shelving for the garage - Konrad is working on it more right now!


• golf lessons for Kimber - she won two contests (putting and chipping and came in third for longest drive)


• playing at Les Gove park in Auburn while we waited for her (awesome park at 8:30 in the morning)


• enjoyed Kenna's 5th b-day party


• ate birthday cake popcorn - BEST. POPCORN. EVER.


• Hooped it up at Chuck E. Cheese - I had the highest score on both machines - I rock!


• played Just Dance tons


• listened to the girls and friends play Sing It (at the moment actually)


• finished reading the Book of Mormon in one month - yeah for Cortney's challenge!

That's all I can think of at the moment. I'm sure there is more though...

It's been an interesting process meeting Coleman (my sisters baby). I realized about 4 days before he made his arrival that he would be coming out. I think I was in denial before that. The realization of seeing him and watching him grow up became very real and very scary to me. I realized that watching him grow up would remind me of what I (and my family) didn't have.

The day he was born was bittersweet for me. I was so happy and relieved that he was born healthy and perfect. I was so scared to see him and what my reaction would be. I was so frustrated with myself and for my sister. I hated how I couldn't be there for her like I wanted to be. That I couldn't make myself step foot in that hospital to visit her (she has the same doctor as me and delivered at the same hospital).

It took me 2 days to visit her/him. I wasn't sure if I would be able to hold him or not, but due to the begging of Kimber, I gave in. It was an amazing feeling to hold him. My arms have ached for the past 3 months to hold a baby. But then it was too much and I had to pass him back to his mom.

I told myself from then on that I would hold him every time I saw him so that I could get passed the scary-ness of it.

He is amazing. So tiny. So cute. I love him. I have never in my life held a baby and had the "baby-hungry" feeling. Never. Until now. It would be interesting to know if I would feel the same a year or so ago...probably not. I could have just loved him and enjoyed being his aunt - like I have with all my nephews and nieces.

I am grateful for how understanding Steph has been. She has been so patient with me and aware of my feelings.

The girls have had a few break downs after seeing him as well. They realize now what they are missing. It was interesting talking to them about it, b/c I never really know where they are in the grieving process (or if they are even grieving or have just moved on). I realized they think about it much more than I thought.

A few of Sam's thoughts:

• Why can't we just have another?


• She doesn't like looking at the clouds b/c it reminds her that Ian is up there not with us.


• She'll pretend he is just sleeping in the living room some nights, but is sad when she wakes up and he isn't


• She hugs her turtle and Ian-Bear at night and pretends she is snuggling Ian, but again is sad when she wakes up and it's just her stuffed animals


• Sometimes when she is playing at the park she seems happy on the outside but she is really sad on the inside


• Even though she didn't cry at the funeral -she was crying on the inside.

Kimber has shown her emotions a bit more through-out the process. She was more on the mad side the other day. She doesn't want Coleman to be a replacement for her brother. She wants him here. She wants to hold him and take care of him. She wants him to play with Coleman. "It's just not fair!"

My heart broke a bit more that night....

We'll get through it. We have to.

I'm just glad it's summer and we can spend tons of time together as a family. That's what I need right now. I'm also hoping I can build a special bond with little Coleman. I like to think he was hanging out with Ian and helping him get through what had to happen - now maybe he can help the rest of us! Thanks for having such a cute baby Doug and Steph!

Oh How We've Grown....

2007
Sam, Kenna, Kimber, Alli, Jack
2008
Alli, Natalie, Kimber, Jack, Kenna, Sam, Jordan

2009

Kenzie, Kimber, Jack, Alli, Kenna, Jordan, Sam, Natalie

2010

Kenzie, Kimber, Kenna, Sam

Jack, Jordan, Natalie, Allison

2011

Jordan, Sam, Kenna, Kenzie, Jack, Alli, Kimber, Coleman, Natalie

(let's pretend I'm not crying right now...)

Cousins

Have you ever taken 11 children to McDonald's? We were quite the sight :)

(not pictured: Coleman, Jordan, and Natalie)

Even though it was raining they played with water squirters:

We just took a cousin picture a few weeks ago - but there was a new cousin born, so we needed a new picture:

3 sisters - guess we should decide which camera to look at next time :)

(People say they can't tell we're related - but I can tell, can't you?)

Meet Coleman:

Michelle's family moves to Texas in one month...we thought this was going to be our last visit with them, but it looks like we'll get one more week in July before they leave for good. It still doesn't seem real that they are moving. Makes me really sad!

Fathers Day

Father's Day started with breakfast in bed...gotta love eating with everyone staring at you :)
There was some helicopter flying:

And we were able to visit with both our dads.

Sounds like a good Father's Day to me :)

Recital Day

June 18th was recital day in our house.

The girls all had their dance recital.

Allison's class:

She did a great job and even was able to self-correct a mistake (she went to the wrong side of the stage at one point and ran back to the other side and still did her run and leap). She loved being on stage.

Her friend Kate happened to be in the audience:

She was in the 1st performance. Kimber and Sam were in the 2nd, so Alli got to be in the audience as well...

Kimber and Sam's class. Sam is in the yellow:

Kimber doing a star-jump

Their whole class:

Flowers for everyone!

Both sets of Grandparents were able to attend:

After the recital (we had to leave right after Kimber and Sam danced) was Kimber's first ever piano recital. She did a great job and had fun showing off her skills.

If I can figure out how to upload a video from Konrad's phone I'll put the duet Konrad and Kimber played...it was fun.

Look What Konrad Got.....

Needless to say he is pretty happy these days!

No one else in the family has been on it yet, well not while it's moving. We need to invest in a couple more helmets!

Summer is All Most Here and Guilty Feelings

So I am almost officially done with work for the year. One more field trip and one more graduation - two fun activities.

After that I'm done.

This is my first day off. I'm already a bit worried. Too much time on my hands. Too much time to think.

This last few days I've been very frustrated, this is going to sound crazy - but stay with me - at the fact that things are too easy.

Months ago when thinking about preschool graduation (why am I so crazy that I thought about that? Why did I think of every possible situation, in the near future, when it came to having a baby?) I had the thought of: How will the baby act during it (won't really matter, Grandma will be there)? Will I be able to get everything done in time (I'll have to ask Konrad to be home early that day or Kimber will be able to hold him)? I'll be so excited to be done with school b/c I can just be a mom for the summer and not have to have him go to a babysitter (no schedule, not having to wake up in the morning after being up all night). Etc.

Yesterday I had 3 1/2 hours to get ready for graduation. I was done making treats by 3:45 (30 minutes into my get-ready-time). I set up chairs in the back yard. I vacuumed the house. Filled out Preschool Diplomas. Wrote names on Graduation hats. Alphabetized portfolios. I cleaned my kitchen (even wiped down appliances a bit). It was now 4:45. I cleaned all three bathrooms, b/c why not, I have time. Separated laundry. Fed the girls. Tried, without success, to make my hair look decent (why do I ever get hair cuts???). Still had time to just hang out.

About half way through all that I was so mad. So mad that I had time to do all that. It's not like I want to be stressed before things like that. It's not like I want my life to be hard. But I would take the stress of holding a baby while trying to do all those things, over having time to clean my bathrooms.

Does that make any sense?

I often find myself saying I'm so glad....I can go to Leavenworth and go river rafting; ....I can go to Zumba whenever I want; .....I can go walking at 8:30 at night without having to think about it; ....I can plan girls trips and not even bat an eye.

But then I remember that I'm not supposed to be able to do all that.

Then I feel guilty. (I'm not looking for anyone to tell me not to feel guilty, so please don't)

Sometimes I think "maybe I got the best of both worlds - I get to have my son (eventually) but still get to be selfish me, and enjoy my old life."

Then I feel really guilty.

I can't believe I have really thought that. Because we all know that I would do anything to have him here with me.

I'm so tired of being sad. I'm so tired of crying every single day. That is not normal. People should not have to cry every single day. If they do, it's b/c something is very wrong in their life. And that sucks.

You know what's crazy? Today hasn't even been a "bad" day. Just a normal day. Which is killer for me. How can I write this grumpy blog post on a "normal" day?

I got to go visiting teaching - twice. I got to hang out at a friends while our kids played. I got to sit at the computer all afternoon and blog. I ran some errands.

But still. I sit here, start typing, and grumpiness comes out.

I hate answering the question "how are you doing?" b/c even when I say fine or good - it's not the fine or good that it used to be. It means I'm alive and I'm not curled up in a ball.

I live for the moments when I don't have to think about it. When I can be the old Ashlee - even if it only happens for a few minutes at a time - it's amazing. I miss that person. I miss the "my life is about as perfect as it can get" mind set that I had 3 months ago. Oh to have those blinders back on. To not be able to see/feel all the sadness that it is happening in my life right now.

I am so grateful for the things that I do have. I'm thankful for the things I filled my day with today. Without those it could have been a bad day.

It's amazing how venting makes it all a bit easier....at least for the moment.

Thanks for listening!

Preschool Graduation #1

We had our last day of "afternoon class", as Allison calls it, yesterday. We got to hang out at one of our favorite parks with our friends. The kids played and played and played. All while the mom's visited. It was great.

That night was Graduation. We had everything set up outside - all ready to go and literally 5 minutes before everyone was supposed to be there is started raining. So we quickly pulled all the chairs in (we're talking 30+ chairs), moved around preschool furniture, and got started.

I was bummed to be inside. I get so hot during these things, especially when I get up in front of all the parents. I always turn bright red. Plus I cried, of course, which didn't help. I was hoping for the cool fresh air that I would have had outside. So, sorry to all you parents for the horrible lighting and red-faced Miss Ashlee that you have to document last night :)

This is Graduation #3 for Allison - if she participates on Thursday she will be to #4. I'd say she is ready for Kindergarten! I can't believe she won't be with me next year. I'm going to miss her!

The whole class:
Of course it only rained for about 3 minutes - but we didn't know that would be the case! - so we were able to spend the rest of the evening outside.

It is supposed to be nicer tomorrow, I'm hoping it will be!

River Rafting in Leavenworth

We bought a River Rafting Groupon/Living Social deal (not sure which company it was through), as did the Baumgartners. Tami got us all booked and we had an amazing time.

Leavenworth is so beautiful. Rocky mountains, green trees, snow capped mountains, ice cold rivers.
We asked the lady at the front desk of our hotel where to eat for dinner. The two places she suggested were the places we chose last August on our girls trip - Mexican and Italian. When we told her we'd already eaten at both she suggested one that was "a bit of drive outside of town - about 11 minutes". It was a BBQ place. It was one of those little-town-diner-places. One I would never think of stopping at normally. It was good. Nothing spectacular, but good. The waitress even told us we could yell at her if we needed anything, and I'm pretty sure she meant it.

We sat in the John Wayne section:

Friday night we walked around town and down along the waterfront (Wenatchee River). Everyone (except Tami) was excited to spot this deer just hanging out. He wasn't afraid of us at all - just kept on eating while we got closer and closer.

Tami took some "engagement" pictures for us:

A little old man took our picture in town. Konrad was polite so he got to hold the man's stick thing

Tami also took some Senior pictures (actually Konrad took this picture, but only b/c Tami was already taking one) (notice how I am going bald on the right side - I must take all pictures with my left side showing from now on)(I lose tons of hair after having a baby...no more pony tails for me until it starts growing back in)

We went hiking right near this river. It was a pretty good hike - nice and steep - felt great! We didn't get there until too late to do the whole thing though, next time we'll go hiking as soon as we get up instead of walking around the town for a second time (which really isn't necessary b/c it doesn't take that long to do it once - no need for two trips)

Saturday afternoon we did our rafting adventure. I'm not going to lie, I was a tad bit scared. But in the end - I was wishing the waves (have you ever considered river water to have waves? I hadn't.) were bigger and that there were more of them. It was awesome.

We got to the base camp, that the company owns, and they fed us lunch and handed out wetsuits and life jackets. We basked in the sun for a couple hours. It was great.

They loaded us up on a bus and we drove about 30 minutes to the starting point of our rafting trip. We were split into groups, the guides had a little pow-wow, and we were off.

The water was cold - thank goodness for the wetsuits. I had never worn a wet suit before so I wasn't sure how they worked or if it would work. It definitely worked. When the water hit my hands, arms, face, or back (my wetsuit could have been a bit tighter) it was COLD.

The rafts each have buckets on them, for the sole-purpose of water-fighting. Konrad did pretty well filling that bucket and tossing it on other people. He also got Tami pretty good one time - she just happened to be right in the line of fire!

The waves were so much fun. Some pretty darn big. We had to paddle through them, but most the time just wanted to sit and enjoy them. Safety first though I guess. We did see a rafting accident, or the aftermath of one. There was a raft wrapped around a bridge pillar - and people standing on the side of the river looking at it. I can't imagine how scary that would have been.

None of us came close to taking a swim - I did fall into the middle of the raft once, but never over the side. Tami did make sure that I got a real feel for the water by pushing me over board. I held on as long as I could (poor guy sitting next to me was my anchor), but she got me in. Luckily someone helped her in as well, so we both did some swimming. :)

Here are some pictures we took while at the base camp:

Notice the mean farmer-tan I already have....

Notice that Tami is not wearing her wetsuit-booties - she was afraid of putting those on her feet. I could have cared less about the booties - it was the whole wetsuit that grossed me out. Especially after reading Tami's post about how someone didn't have anything on under the wetsuit! Nasty!!! She did give in and wear the booties though - I'm sure her toes thank her b/c our feet were in the water a ton and they would have frozen!

Thanks again Tami for booking the trip and finding us a hotel to stay in (and for letting me beat you at Monopoly!) I'll be buying the next rafting deal for sure - I'm hooked!

Most of these pictures were taken by Tami - thanks!

A Fun Filled Saturday

June 4th was a fun day for the Crabtree's.

The girls and I started off the day with a hike up Cougar Mountain (Konrad was motorcycle shopping). This was a pretty tricky hike, pretty straight up - a little tricky for little legs. The girls did great though and had fun like we always do on our hikes.

Kimber told them to make "Princess Faces" and to look "grim" - not sure why but it was funny. Sam didn't know what grim meant so she just kinda smiled :)

I love living in the Northwest - so beautiful. I plan to hike as many Saturday mornings as we can. Hopefully other days of the week as well. Let us know if you want to come with!

After the hike we headed right to SafeCo Field to attend the Mariners game with my family. All 16 of us were there and we had fun. It was sunny and hot and I loved it!

Jordan after his dad put sunscreen on him:

Half the family:

The other half:

Dad and possibly one or two kids were down in their regular seats. My parents know the usher there very well and he let us sit down in their section even though our tickets were for the bleacher section. Poor Mariners can't fill their stadium anymore - good for us though we got to sit near mom and dad!

Our family:

Riding's love baseball

After dinner we all went to dinner. Then Konrad and I took our girls to U-Top-It and to play at the park.

It was a great day!