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I wasn't sure how I would feel this week. If I would be miserable or if the pain would be less b/c of the time that has passed. But it has been rough. Not horrible, but rough. Unpleasant. Being pregnant doesn't help, the tears seem to flow very easily and it brings back some of the things I felt soon after Ian died about not being pregnant. Not feeling him move. Not having a huge stomach. The fear of it all happening again. Etc. I spent most of last Friday (2 years to the day I delivered him...I'm finding that dates don't matter as much as the day of the week things happened, but then I still relive it again on the actual date. 2 days of grief, not so awesome!) laying on the couch feeling sad and depressed. Saturday was busier so I didn't have as much time to dwell on it. Sunday was touch and go. Today has been hard again, but luckily it was a sunny day and that means my friends stay after preschool hanging out at the park...sun + friends = a great distraction.
As we neared this time of year again I had a really hard time planning anything to do to "celebrate" this day. It's hard celebrating the death of a child that you never really knew. Especially when it is the only real day to celebrate him. He doesn't have a birthday or any other date that can be a happy day. We don't have any happy memories. Nothing to grasp onto to get us through this week. You can only remember kicks and movement for so long.
But we want to remember Ian We want to remember our son and our brother. So we celebrate. The girls get a little more excited about the celebrating, where as I have to try a bit harder to enjoy it. I think that is good though. I'm glad they push me to enjoy it. We're here on this earth to enjoy life, not to be miserable.
Huge Costco cupcakes, donuts for breakfast, and later will come Chuck E. Cheese (we couldn't really decide on anything else that a 2 year old boy would love to do...we plan to do something Ian would have liked at his age on each of his "Ian Days"), so of course they are excited to celebrate!
We went to the cemetery yesterday, figuring we'd have more time than if we tried to squeeze it in today on the 4th. We brought balloons, cupcakes, and chairs so we'd be comfy (we weren't sure if the ground would be dry enough to sit on).
Yesterday while Konrad and I were having our "real" moment at the cemetery we were talking about how it's hard to celebrate this day b/c there really aren't any happy memories that go along with it. Konrad then brought up the fact that there are happy memories. The happy memories we have are all those that our family and friends created for us when this tragic thing happened. Those are the memories that bring us happiness.
In January I was asked to speak at our Stake Relief Society's Women's Conference, specifically about how my Relief Society Sisters had "Calmed the Storm" when Ian died. I want to share what I said that day on here b/c really it is because of all those things that I really did make it through this crazy time. Those are my happy memories.
In January of 2011 I remember making a comment to a few
friends about how my life at that moment was perfect. My marriage was great, my 3 girls were great,
work was going well for both myself and my husband, and we were expecting our
first son in a few months.
Little did I know that the biggest storm of my life was just
around the corner. This storm would
shake me to the core and flip everything in my world upside down.
On March 3, just two months later, I realized I had not felt
my son…who I had been carrying for 34 weeks... move.
March 3 was a busy day for me. I had to teach 2 preschool classes, had
activity days that afternoon and my friend Tami was throwing me a baby shower
that evening. Now everything had to be
put on hold so I could rush to the doctor.
At 4:15 I called a dear sister and asked her to sub for me
at activity days. Then I rushed out the
door. When I called my Konrad around
5:00 to tell him that our son had in fact died, he said “I’ll be there in 2
minutes. Kira (the friend who subbed for
me at activity days) arranged a babysitter so I could come be with you.”
From that moment on, my dear friends and family stepped up
to the challenge of “calming this storm” for me. They did everything in their power to make
this a little bit easier. By 6 that
night, I had dinner brought over. At
8:30, I hear my garage door open, a huge group of friends were sneaking in the
house to clean it. They kindly went and
waited in their cars, knowing I wasn’t ready to see that many people yet and
waited for us to leave for the hospital.
I received a text that night, while sitting in a hospital bed waiting to
deliver a baby I could not bring home with me, saying…”We are all sitting here
crying, if you want us to come cry with you at the hospital we can”.
When we returned from the awful trip to the hospital my
house was spotless, my freezer was packed full of meals that would last us
months. There were cards and flowers,
gifts for my 3 girls. Their love for me
was everywhere in my house, even in my linen closet.
Emails and messages filled my inbox, these messages let me
know that I wasn’t alone in my sadness, that the rest of my world was mourning
with me.
A few days later, I realized I was going to be left alone
for an hour while my husband went and played basketball (don’t worry, I told
him to go). I sent an email to a
friend that said I can’t be by myself please come over. Her and probably 10 others were at my house
that night to keep me from being lonely.
With them they brought one of my most treasured possessions. My wonderful group of relief society sisters
got together over the weekend and made me a quilt. I can’t tell you how many times I have missed
my little boy and been able to snuggle under that blanket and feel loved. It has Ian’s name on it, the meaning of his
name which is “God is Gracious” and a scripture reference….letting me know that angels
would be round about to help me through this.
Little did they know, that while I do believe that there are angels in
heaven helping me, Ian included, that these dear sisters were my angels.
All of the these things I’ve listed happened in the first 6
days of my storm. But these sisters,
people whom I will call dear friends for the rest of my life, didn’t stop
there. They collected money for me that
helped pay for a house keeper and for a portion of Ian’s headstone. One used her amazing photography skills to take
pictures during the funeral and put together a photo album for me. They sent random emails, notes, cards,
brought me treats, gifts for the girls.
For months and months, they watched over me and continually asked how I
was doing. One of them convinced her
husband to climb a cemetery tree to retrieve Ian’s balloons that had gotten
stuck there. The listened when I needed
to talk. They hugged me when I needed a
hug. They handed me tissue after tissue
as I cried through months of church meetings.
The followed me out of RS lessons when it was just too much for me to
bear. Never once did I feel alone. Heavenly Father knew that I needed the
comfort of these sisters. He knew that
without them, I would be in a world of hurt.
On the 1 year anniversary of Ian’s death I woke up to find
blue ribbons tied all over my front yard.
Letting me know that didn’t forget him.
That they didn’t forget me.
Life throws all kind of storms at you. Luckily we have been put into this wonderful
organization, Relief Society, where Heavenly Father knows we will watch out for
each other and protect each other. I
remember overhearing the Relief Society president in our ward telling my mom
that she hadn’t known any of this stuff was being organized…the cleaning of my
house, the meals, the quilt…these dear sisters weren’t asked to serve. They just did. Through them, my storm was made easier to
bear.
January 2013
Wishing more than anything Ian was here with us, but obviously that can't be changed. Grateful for what I do have. My beautiful girls, my amazing husband, our extended family, and our friends. Last night I was grateful for Coleman. My little nephew who is just a few month younger than Ian. Through Coleman I get to see a tiny glimpse of what life would be like with Ian here. They would both be at my favorite age ever...learning something new everyday. Copying and mimicking everyone. Pure joy. I guess it's bittersweet in a way...they'd be best buds if Ian was here...guess we'll just have to wait awhile to watch that friendship in action.
Thanks for making me a better person Ian. Love you!
